So, this year has been pretty rough so far. My brother passed away of a drug overdose, I failed out of school, and I am trying to date while raising my own son and my brother's little girl. I thought I had meet my perfect match, but again, things did not work out. Now, I am trying to focus on me somemore. I am starting the biggest loser this week and starting to look at myself. Anyone who know me, knows there are tons of places I want to see and things I want to try.  So, after reading an article today, I decided start my own bucket list. This will obviously be a work I progress, but I want to start getting it down on paper. So here it goes.
Places:
Grand Canyon
Mount Rushmore
Redwood forest
Statue of liberty
Hawaii
Paris
Explore national parks across the country
Atlantic ocean
San Francisco



Activities:
Ride a motorcycle cross country
Learn to drive my own motorcycle

I'm good enough!

I have been doing a little soul searching this week.  I had plans to go see my ex this weekend, to give his little girl her birthday present. However the morning I was suppose to go down there, we had a snowstorm.  It upset me to think I was not going to get to see the girls and give the one girl her birthday present.  Well, things work out in the end and due to the weather, my ex did not work the next day and got to keep his girls an extra day.  So, Monday I went down there and I stayed the day.  I cuddled with all of them. We watched movies, played with all of her birthday presents and it really made my week.  What this day made me realize is that although things didn't work out between us, I learned a lot.  The relationship with him taught me that I have soo much love to give, but it is also need to find someone capable of loving me back the same way.  I realized that I can love someone else's children like they are my own, but I also need someone who can love my son like he is their own.  I have been talking to some new people online.  I don't know that they are people I want to date, but they have helped me with figuring out some of my issues.  While my kid has issues, I realized that my ex never really tried with him. I took days off of work to watch his kids for him and  always put them first and he never returned even some of that to my son.  So, now I realize that while I am flawed, I am good enough to be someones love and that is what I want.  No settling, no putting my self last, none of the things I have done in the past.  I am going to concentrate on my needs and wants for a little while and figure out what it is that I am searching for. 

Why do we settle?

So, around the last time I posted, I had just started talking to a guy.  In April we started dating and I let myself get all wrapped up in him, more so than I had ever done before.  I loved him completely and I gave him all of my heart, my time and my energy, but I didn't neccesarily get it all in return.  I was happy just spending time with him and his 2 precious little girls.  There were many times that I was unhappy, but then there were those times when things were so good.  I knew that he had many issues from his ex, but I always hoped that I would be able to get his whole heart.  After 7 months, all our issues came to a head and he dumped me.  Through the pain, I realized that all of the issues he was using for the breakup were not really our issues, but the issues he brought in with him from his ex.  The more I thought about our time together, the more I realized that honestly, as much as I love him (and I use the present tense because I do still love him) that we are just not meant to be in a romantic relationship together.  He could not give me the things I wanted and needed. We both enjoyed each other's company when we were dating and we are still friends, even though it still hurts on occasion when I think about how much I love him. I guess this is just a case of the heart wanting what the head knows is wrong.  So now I have the dilemma, what do I want now.  I know I need to work on me, but I hate being alone! Everything in my life went wrong all at once- more than just the relationship.  My son has behavioral problems, my health has been bad, I failed a class, and I got in trouble at work.  And as if things couldn't be worse, it all happened Thanksgiving weekend.  I have never felt this down before, I have always been able to see the silver lining, but not now.  I can't seem to get into the Christmas spirit and I am having a hard time being me.  I hate taking drugs, but I might just have to break down and take the anti-depressants the doctor gave me.  Sigh.....why do we do what we do?  Why do we settle? Why isn't love enough?  So many questions and no answers. 

Moving on

So in the past month I have done my best to mend my own heart and figure out what I want in this world. I have been on some dating sites, I have gone out on a few dates, I have had some yummy sex and all I have realized is that none of them are exactly what I want.  I think I  have realized that I do want that all american dream of a husband, a house and possibily more kids.  I have realized that I have not met the one person for me.  I have so much love to give, but the ones I want to give it to don't want it and the ones that want to give it to me can't give me what I want to be happy.  I feel like so often I am only wanted for my body, which amazes me because it is soooo not great.  I know I have many flaws, but I think I am lovable. I have a pretty good idea of what I want from a person, I just have to find the person who can give it to me. Right now, I am wishing I could combine the guys I have been out with in the last couple months into one. They all have good qualities, but none quite have it all. I do not want to settle.  I have done nothing but settle my whole life. I accept that there is no "perfect" person out there.  We all have flaws and life and love are about finding the person who you mesh with the best and learning to love their flaws.  Well, back to the search....

Broken hearts

It is amazing to me that my heart can feel so broken right now. I was in a bad relationship, I finally ended it and I felt GOOD. But then my ex moved on to a new girl.  It was only 3 weeks and he was calling someone else "his love".  I know we don't belong together (I have a list of reasons) and that I don't want to get back together with him, but it still hurts to know after 4 1/2 years that I can be replaced in 3 weeks. He was my best friend for over 4 years and I don't want to see him hurt again. To make matters worse, I think the person he "loves" is a relationship addict.  Her social media sites show multiple people she has "loved" in the past 9 monthes.  I know I sound cynical, but I went out of my way to end things well with this man and I do not want to see some woman who loves any man who pays her attention break his heart again.  ...sigh......